Sunshine Henle was dissatisfied with her experience with a grief counselor. Instead of trying a new therapist, she went in another direction.
A ghostbot.
That’s right. She set up ChatPT to respond as her mother might respond as she texted her.
An article in Vox described this new field of “grief tech.”
Hailed as “grief tech,” a crop of California-based startups like Replika, HereAfter AI, StoryFile, and Seance AI are offering users a range of services to cope with the loss of a loved one — interactive video conversations with the dead, “companions” or virtual avatars that you can text day or night, and audio legacies for posterity. Depending on its unique function, the software typically guides users through a personality questionnaire and trains its AI-backed algorithm based on the responses.
If you think you’d like to be able to talk with your loved one, do I have some good news for you.
You don't need a subscription.
You don’t even need a computer.
You may have read of a hospice having a disconnected pay phone in a wooded patch where you can “call” and talk to your loved one.
But you don’t even have to go that far.
Ways to “talk” to your loved one
Journaling is a great tool for grieving. One of the ways in which we can use it is to write a dialogue with our loved one.
The instructions are very simple. Just like you would write out a script, write out a conversation.
Start with your part. Are there things you wish you had told your loved one before they died? Start there. Are there things you wish you could discuss with them now? Start there.
Just write it out like you’d say it. And when you’re done, write their response.
Here’s the key. Don't overthink it. Just let it flow. Let come whatever comes.
When their response is done, write your response. Write the dialogue just like you’d carry on a conversation. And if they “say” something you don't understand, write (just like you’d say) “I didn't understand that.”
You're not channeling the spirit of your loved one, but there is an ability to tap into something more than the obvious layer of our conscious thought through writing. Sometimes it’s surprising to see what we wind up writing. Sometimes it’s comforting.
Maybe what happens is that when we are connected with someone in a deep way, that connection never really goes away. Journaling in this way helps us tap into that deeper connection.
Maybe writing isn’t your thing. Maybe you physically can’t do it easily or you just don’t want to do it. All is not lost.
All you need is a pillow, picture, stuffed animal or some other stand-in for your loved one. Gestalt therapy is famous for using conversation with the “empty chair” as a way to express things to someone with whom you’ve not been able to talk directly.
While I’ve used that technique with clients, I’ve found that it's more useful to have something to hold. You can hug a pillow – or shake it, depending on what you need. (No rule says you can't do both.) There’s just something about having an object to hold that engages more of our senses.
With your stand-in object, just talk to them. Once again, don’t censor yourself. It doesn’t have to be logical or linear. Just let your heart talk.
The journaling and the talking both seem like such simple things, but something happens when we give our words space and air. Obviously a pillow has no ears, but we feel heard all the same.
By the way, you can also use these tools as a way to express your anger with the person.
In our Edgebrook workshops we often use pillows (and sometimes stuffed animals) as stand-ins. The act of saying the words out loud becomes a powerful experience, and often something shifts inside.
Missing someone who's gone from your life? Feeling the weight of the words you didn't say or wish you could have said?
You don't need a ghostbot. Just grab a journal or a pillow.
By the way, remember Sunshine Henle who was using the ghostbot as a way to talk with her mom? A system update turned her mom’s voice into more prosaic Google answers.
You don't need a ghostbot. Just grab a journal or a pillow.
